Lamaze scares the crap out of me Part III
We have decided to have a hospital birth because we are a couple of weenies and at the beginning of this insane process thought that it would be safer. After reading so many birthing stories and attending our 3rd Lamaze class, we are second guessing ourselves. I don’t want any intervention if I can help it. I don’t even want an I.V. in my arm. I want to be free to move around, get in a tub. Not to mention the fact that I don’t want anyone to have open access to my insides, allowing them to inject whatever medication they feel will get them out of there faster while I am in a state of intense pain or panic. Hopefully not panic, but you never know, right?
Steve and I both walked out of the class at half time and said, “Let’s just go get a birthing pool and have Matilda at home.” That sounds so nice and relaxing. I know some people go into the hospital and feel safe and well cared for, but I am going to be a nervous wreck, thinking that everything the peeps at the hospital ask me has ulterior motives. It makes my blood pressure rise just thinking about it.
Intervention scares me more than the pain of natural childbirth.
I hate needles. They make me woozy, even if they are in a cartoon animation.
Speaking of animations, we saw one last night of a cesarean. Ooga Booga. I know that most of my friends who have had one say that it is no biggie. And honestly, I was fine when they cartoonly sliced through the skin and muscle. And when they cartoonly sliced through the uterus. But, when they pried it all open with big metal salad tongs, the cartoon didn’t seem so cartoony anymore and I about rolled off of my chair. No biggie though, I am sure.
And cesareans only happen with one out of every three births at the hospital that we are having Matilda. Sometimes higher, but who’s counting? And the odds are really with us with those numbers, right?
But that’s only if the vacuum cleaner that they attach to her head to suck her out doesn’t work. No wait, one more thing they can try: salad tongs up your va-jay-jay, clamped to your sweet, little baby’s soft little head. Don’t worry, it only causes paralysis in some babies.
I do understand that we are going to a hospital that performs a lot of difficult, high risk births, but most of the moms that I know who ended up in these precarious (ahem understatement) situations were not high risk. No, they were given pitocin to speed that little baby up. I mean really, come on baby, what’s taking so long? Get it together and get your shit out here.
Oh shit! Now my contractions hurt to all high hell and I can’t even handle this shit anymore. Will someone please, please stick me in the back with a super long needle and then insert a tube into my back that injects medication that makes me unable to walk and not feel my legs or anything in or around my va-jay-jay? Did I mention that I now have a hole in my back that is shooting medicine into myself and my baby?
Woozy again just talking about it.
So yeah, I have a bit of a fear of hospital births. I am sure that it is not as bad as I am foreseeing it. I am sure that it will all go fine and I will be relaxed and that the nurses will do everything that my husband, myself and our doula tell them to do. That is why I am bringing in the troops. If anyone tries to touch me with any bullshit that I have not approved, Steve will get them from behind and the doula will take them from the front. Down. If anyone asks me the same question more than once like, “Would you like us to induce?” I am going to go ballistic on their asses and then they are gonna try to tie me down like they did in the olden days.
Anyway, Steve and I really want a natural birth. We are so afraid that we are jeopardizing the chances of having one by doing this in a hospital. But again, we are afraid of the consequences of a home birth that could go awry, not to mention the fact that home births are illegal in Missouri. Gotta love the midwest.
Maybe I need you internet people. Maybe I need you to tell me about your births. Even if you planned for an epidural and wanted all of the drugs, maybe your stories will calm me into feeling like this can go smoothly without the pressure from outside sources to just “get ‘er dun.”
Getterdun.
***Clarification*** This post reflects my insane fears and concerns for myself during labor and delivery. All of what I wrote is what is in my ahead about the fears that I have of my own pregnancy experience. I was also flabbergasted at the lackadaisical approach of presenting all of this intervention to us in my lamaze class. It is in no way a reflection on anyone’s experience during their own delivery. I truly believe that anything that happens during labor and delivery, so long as the mom wanted it, is what needed to happen for herself and her baby to get through the process in a manner that was safe and right for them. I don’t want anyone to ever think that I am judging decisions they have made. I, for my first birthing experience need the safety of the hospital and am too scared to have a home birth. I also truly love to hear everyone’s birthing experiences. Whether they are insane or went totally smooth, drugs, no drugs, home, hospital. I feel like people mostly write about their scary experiences and my brain is lacking positive birthing stories.
January 13, 2010 5 Comments
